[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[FATHER SIGHS]
[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]
[UTENSILS CLATTERING]
Honey, it's family hour, there must be something on.
"DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!"
[FATHER EXCLAIMS]
Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!
[MONSTROUS LAUGH]
Shh, it's starting.
[MONSTROUS LAUGH]
[FATHER CHUCKLES]
[CREAKING]
[SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[ANSWERING MACHINE] Hi, it's Martin.
Leave me a message as sweet as you smile and I'll call you back.
Ciao!
[BEEP]
Hello.
[WOMAN GIGGLING]
I don't recognize the giggle.
How about another clue?
[GIGGLES LOUDER]
[CALL DISCONNECTS]
I love it when they play hard to get.
[BEEPS]
[WOMAN GIGGLING]
That's a very hot giggle.
A little weird, but hot.
[BEEPS]
MAN: Marty, it's Tom, you dog.
I knew if anyone was gonna nail that little blond
in classifieds, it'd be you. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, any energy left for your column?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need it next week.
Next time call me on my work line.
you yutz. Lover boy. [CHUCKLES]
[BEEPS]
It's Linda.
I guess you got tied up again. [SIGHS WEARILY]
Call me tomorrow, darling. I miss you.
That's gonna cost me some flowers.
[BEEP]
WOMAN: Poor Linda. [EXAGGERATED SIGH]
All alone by the telephone.
Stood her up again, huh, Martin?
[TSKING] Who is that?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
WOMAN: I miss you.
Linda, you know, I was just gonna call you.
I'm not Linda.
[GIGGLES]
[CALL DISCONNECTS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Linda!
Linda, it's Marty.
Did you just call me?
I... [STUTTERS] No, I was asleep.
Where were you?
Oh, oh, hey.
Tom's wife split on him again last night.
I ended up staying at his place.
[SIGHS] Oh...
Oh, it was terrible.
I mean, he was crying on my shoulder all night long.
And I didn't even have a chance to call you.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll tell you what. Let me make it upto you this weekend.
How about the two of us sneak in out of town,
I know a cozy little inn up north.
Right on the lake.
Oh, sure. Yeah
We'll blow out of town on Friday, and we'll take it slow an easy going up.
Just the two of us.
[CALL BEEPING]
Hey, Linda, hold on.
Hello?
WOMAN: Hello.
Linda, let me call you right back. LIDA: But...
You know, you've been leaving messages all night.
Now, who are you?
WOMAN: [CHUCKLES] You've seen me around.
I have?
Uh, you know,
Maybe the two of us should meet.
Um... [SIGHS]
Love to.
What say we sneak away up north this weekend?
I know a cozy little inn right on the lake.
How did you know that?
[LAUGHS]
And how did you know about Linda?
[GIGGLING]
Come on, who is this?
[GIGGLING CONTINUES]
Who is this?
[LAUGHING]
She's been calling me all week, Tom.
It started driving me crazy.
Unplug the phone.
MARTY: I tried that.
I missed two days of calls and the minute I plug it back in,
there she was.
It's starting to become a real nuisance.
Well buddy, why do you they call them nuisance calls?
It's like she knows everything I say or do.
MARTY: It's like she's watching me.
And listening.
Tom, did you give out my private number to any girls?
I mean, crazy ones.
TOM: Not me.
So, you've left a lot of broken hearts int our path.
Did you ever think that one of these girls
is getting even by messing with your head?
No officer, the woman hasn't actually threatened me.
But I was hoping you could just investigate...
Look,
I have one like for business calls and
I have one line for personal calls.
And when someone is screwing with that it...
How do I know what you're supposed to do. You're the cop!
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
Hi, Linda. It's Marty.
I'm calling to give you my new phone number.
It's 5-5-5-4-2-7-9.
Write it down, sweetheart. Because it's unlisted.
And whatever you do,
don't give it out to anyone, okay?
Call me later.
Okay, who is next?
Denise?
Crystal?
Theresa.
[DIALING]
Yeah, may I speak to Theresa?
Honeymoon?
4-2-7-9. You got that?
Alright. I'll talk to you over the weekend, Ma.
Say hi to dad.
[SIGHS]
One last thing.
Hi, this is Martin.
No music this time.
Just a simple hello to the favorite few
lucky enough to have this number.
Leave a message and I'll call you back. Ciao.
Sorry mystery lady, but you've been disconnected.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
WOMAN: Aren't I one of the favorite few?
I've heard you so many times talking to all those other girls.
You say the nicest, sweetest things to them.
Sometimes...
I dream about you saying nice things to me too.
How did you get this number?
Talk nice to me, Martin.
It's all I want.
Is that all you want?
Okay.
I'll talk nice to you, bitch.
Is a broken eardrum nice enough?
[CLANGING CONTINUES]
It sounds nice to me.
[THINGS BREAKING]
[BEEP]
[CLAPPING]
[SREAMS IN DELIGHT]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
MARTY: I was sure it was this fat chick who lives down the hall.
Big mooney acting. Always staring at me in the elevator.
Thirty years old. Probably never had a date in her life.
so I go down to her apartment and have it out with her.
And I find this Korean couple living there.
Turns out, that fat chick, she gets married and moves out six months ago.
Ah, sorry Sherlock.
Hey listen, did you motor me your column?
Hey, you're gonna get it.
Cut me some slack here.
I'm having a crisis.
I can't work when I'm depressed.
Oh, come on. Let it go Martin.
You've got a kook on you hand.
In a day or two she will get bored and she will start harassing someone else.
Please. Don't let this make you crazy.
Okay?
Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say.
[PHONE DISCONNECTS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Why don't you drop dead?
WOMAN: I'm surprised, Martin.
You always say such nice things to your lady friends.
Look, you're no friend of mine.
You're a sick lonely woman.
I do get lonely.
Sometimes just like the rest of the world passes me by,
No one sees.
No one understands.
I think you get lonely too, Marty.
Me? Are you kidding?
You wanna know how lonely I am?
I invite you to stick your butt ugly face out of
whatever hole you are living in,
and feast your eyes on the girl I have coming over here later.
And while you're wasting your crummy life,
spying on me with your telescope,
and your wire tap and whatever the hell else you got.
I want you to remember one thing.
I'm her with someone else.
And you're alone.
Linda. Hi.
Thank you.
So,
Um, I was a creep and I'm sorry.
It's okay.
No. [SIGHS]
I should never shout at you the way I did on the telephone.
I understand.
No, um, I want to apologize.
That's all. [CHUCKLES]
Honey, you've been under a lot of pressure.
You'll feel better after a night out.
I was thinking maybe we wouldn't go out.
Oh, but you told me to get all dressed up.
I know, but...
I have a bottle of champagne
chilling in the bedroom.
[CHUCKLES]
And I thought maybe you and I would spend
a nice quiet night, just the two of us.
[CHUCKLES]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[OBJECT BREAKING]
What?
I thought I heard something.
Come here.
[CHUCKLES]
[OBJECTS BREAKING]
I know I heard that.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
So, did you chase Mr Boogie man away?
[SIGHS] You don't usually brush me off until you're done.
Look, don't start, okay?
[LOUD SHATTERING]
Who is doing this?
Where are you?
Where are you hiding?
Are you enjoying this?
Do you like the show?
Martin, please.
Yes, I was here with a friend all night long.
And I didn't see anyone.
But this crazy woman has been calling me and,
Look, I know it was her.
Yes, she is, but I don't know what that has to do with me.
They want to talk to you.
Hello?
Yes, we were here the whole time.
Right, alone, all night.
I don't know what it was. I can't be sure.
It was a loud bump.
Yes, he did.
Twice.
But it was only for a minute or two.
I was in the bedroom and I couldn't see.
What? What is he asking you?
He wants to know if you left me alone at any time.
What? Do they think...
Wait a minute, are you saying that I did this?
Some maniac has been calling me
24 hours a day, every day for two weeks
and because of your stupid red tape, you can't trace my call.
Well, does that give her the right to make my life a living hell?
Wait, where you going?
I'm getting off the roller coaster, Marty.
I've had it with the come ons
and the put offs.
The lies, the apologies.
You said you wanted to be left alone.
You didn't have to emphasize it like this.
Wait, you think I did this on purpose?
Oh, does it matter? Does it matter what I think Marty?
Ouch.
Adding injury to insult, that seems about your style.
Linda!
I need you.
I know.
But I don't nee you, Marty.
Goodbye.
[LINE DISCONNECTED]
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
[PHONE RINGING]
[CONTINUES RINGING]
WOMAN: Finally, we're alone.
[WHISPERS] Together...
[SIGHS AND CHUCKLES]
[CALL DISCONNECTS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE RINGING] [SIGHS]
Tom Reardon.
Tom, it's Marty.
Oh, finally you're calling!
[SHUSHES] I don't want her to hear!
Look, I know I'm running a little late with the column.
Running a little late? Nothing!
You blew it, pal!
And I had to take the heat.
Look, I promise, next time,
There is not gonna be a next time.
[SIGHS] Look, Marty,
I had to replace you with another writer.
A reliable one.
What?
I can't believe that.
Get help, Marty.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't need you.
Or your phony concern or your two bit rag.
I have my computer, my motive and my talent.
Fifty newspapers would take me
like that! [SNAPS FINGERS]
[SLAMS PHONE]
I don't need anybody.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[PHONE RINGING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
You said you want me all to yourself.
No one from the outside world.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Just you and me.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
I'll give you a night you will never forget.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
WOMAN: Hi, Marty.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about us.
Us?
Yeah, about something you said that was missing in my life?
I think I know what it is.
What?
You.
My life was a round of endless, empty women.
All of them, coming and going
so fast that I felt lost in the shuffle.
I needed someone to snap me out of it.
Someone to shake things up and...
help me look at life in a new way.
You did that for me.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] Oh!
Oh, Marty.
Let's face it.
We're two desperate, lonely people.
Maybe what we need is each other.
Oh, yes.
Yes!
When can I meet you?
Uh, I'm not very pretty.
If you saw me,
[SIGHS]
You wouldn't want me.
Oh, no, baby.
It doesn't matter.
I love you already.
Nothing could change that.
Pretty or plain, fat or thin,
everybody has a smile.
I bet you have a beautiful smile.
How about letting me see it.
Alright.
Come closer.
To the phone.
[HUMMING]
[GIGGLING]
[HUMMING]
Oh...
[HISSING]
Talk nice to me.
[KISSING]
[MOANING AND KISSING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]